Letter to the Universe:
Dear Universe,
Hi! How's it goin'? I realize that's a pretty big question, given that you're the universe and all, so you can consider it rhetorical.
So, this morning, that was a pretty dear-god-bad, I'd-cry-if-it-would-help-and-maybe-I-slightly-did row, huh? Water conditions such that I'm still simultaneously trying to forget/put words on them/experiencing the surreal state they triggered.
You might counter that I've rowed in worse. I guess that might be true. Didn't particularly feel like it.
You might also have noticed that I had a harder time with it than others in the group. Yeah, I noticed that, too. I'm not sure what's up with that, if it's something super special about me, like a super-hero gene, or just that they have more experience or tougher wills or lower hands in crap water -- I can't quite say.
But, as I was doing my best impression of rowing this morning, contemplating why I'd chosen this sport, if the basin might just swallow me in its sloshing grey waters, and if perhaps I was only really meant to be a fair-water rower, I sensed there might be some giant 3-D every-sense-engaged! life message you were giving me. This would've been right about Mass Ave bridge on the way back when the water hadn't improved a smidgen, and right about there, I kinda thought -- you know, it's really great of the universe to pour all this character building into me, I probably have more character than anyone, except people going through true hardships, and I just felt very flattered that you would give me so much.
So, you know, thanks for all that! Big thanks!
You've probably also noticed things are a little uncertain (scary) and unknown as of yet about this income situation of mine (May was real quiet, you know), and that's where I felt there might be some good connecting-threads-of-my-life-together message going on there, so that's, you know, cool and all.
The thing is.
The thing is -- I'm feeling pretty set on all the mental toughness just now. Perhaps you could take some crap water and scary rowing to some other deserving soul now? I'll keep working away on the income deal (but any help, of the non-mental-toughness variety, would be great), I figure that's pretty clearly mine to solve, but perhaps in the meantime you could ease conditions or fix something in me that falls apart at them? That would be swell!
And, to be fully respectful, I get that you could could unleash a hell of a lot worse than any of this scary, I really get that. I'm really grateful you haven't. I mean, there are people fighting terrible illness, war, poverty, famine, violence -- so much that's genuine terrible. So I try to keep it all in scale - bad /terrible water? scary/miserable row? even if it feels it might eat me? pah!
But, maybe here's the thing -- I love this sport so much. It's in my blood and I want it to ever be. I want to rise to the occasion, I want to get better, I want to not fall apart just because it's hard and scary and some part of me somehow thinks I might die or something. I want to ever get better and tougher and stronger and faster and all that.
I'm just not quite so sure it's working as-is, and I'm not sure what to do about it. Perhaps keep slogging, perhaps take steps back as needed. Not sure. But, I just wanted you to know I was paying attention, I was thinking about all this, I was caring about it all, I was wanting betterment ... and I was just thinking I just might be all set with the mental-toughness lessons right at the moment, you know?
Anyway, thanks for listening. I know you're busy what with being the universe and all, so I'll let you get back to that. I'll just hold the trust and faith, keep going and see what develops.
Shana
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