No, it's not snowing.
BUT IT'S SUPPOSED TO SNOW TODAY!
[and, oh, if only it could sporadically snow thru summer ... it would be so Boston, just to fuck with everyone's heads a little]
The perfect hibernation day after what counts as a crazed week for me (much out-in-the-worlding). Plenty of work to be done, as ever (small specks of paying work, plenty of the drumming-up-the-paying work, plus things like, oh I don't know, WEBSITE and tiny matters like that).
(But this parenthetically reminds me -- this is why prioritization is hard -- when you know you need to do all the things and you know why and you know they've all been sitting longer than you'd like ... it can get paralyzing. which is then so dumb [even if understandable], it makes me crazy. so then you have a crazed paralyzed person on your hands. then I get alternately mad, frustrated, teary ... and uh-oh. any man can tell you, while slowly backing away and maintaining eye contact, this is a recipe for scary disaster. fortunately, none of this is happening at the moment, but there were shades of it earlier in the week, to some extent, tho not the full cycle of emotional crazy, so I can reflect on it now as I figure out how to stay away from, keep at bay, that lurking crazed, emotional deer in the, you know....)
Horas later ...
Aaaaand, there went my energy. Several hours ago, that last of it brought back by sleep wafted away -- pffffft! -- with a little (v little) vapor trail. Happily, I can say it was expended on work/project productivity. But then it was done gone, and I had plenty left to do, as you know. But gone it was. So I worked on what had become a disaster of my home.
It did snow this morning -- so awesome, mostly during commute hour, so not awesome for everyone out there, I'm sure, then it went away. Then the sun came out.
But it was cold, cold. In an attempt to revive myself I went wandering into Coolidge Corner and had to keep my hands in pockets to prevent the dread cold-air-fall-off-ness. I mean, I know it snowed this morning, but frigid air was still a surprise.
So I went wandering. Was accosted outside Trader Joe's by a very earnest do-gooding young man from the ACLU who stopped me dead in my tracks with "Do you support gay rights? Do you have a minute?"
Oh come on, that's so not even fair. So what could I do but listen and nod in agreement, but had to sadly decline moneygiving. Then felt tremendously bad and dazed wandering around TJ's. Then I remembered I don't give money to people on the street just on principle. But I still felt bad. And highly conscious of the money I spent (less than the cheapest membership, I'll have you know). And I think I regret not buying sourdough bread. Even tho I knew I'd scarf the whole loaf as delicious, buttery toast. And I bought cinnamon bread instead. But it seems my soul calls for sourdough. Good thing there isn't a giant run on sourdough (that I've heard about), and I'm pretty sure loaves await me on shelves tomorrow....
Then I meandered more. Spent money on food I felt very conflicted about. The money, not the food. Read more of The War of Art. Thought hmmmmmm, tiredly.
Came home and acknowledged my complete doneness. Decided only reasonable (possible) course of action was to read Stephen King's The Stand (I'm SO opposed to them leaving Stu! so! it's wrong! wrong).
Then went for hot yoga to see if I could get some purification. Dunno that I did, but it felt like a good thing.
Now it'll be bath, book, food morsels, bed. I hope I come back to life tomorrow. But I will say this: in my worst, most drained, most confused, most teary, most fuck-it moments ... they're a thousand million times than so many moments in the last year of work, that I accept them with open arms.
Thus, another week ended with gratitude.