uhhnnnnnuuuhhh, says the head.
thought attempts to form, halfway comes into being ... sniff, uhhhhnnnnuuuhhh-uh?
bleg. I hate colds. been awhile since I had one, doesn't make it any better. not feeling like a longlost friend's come to visit.
so, mostly I'm feeling steamrolled by a big ole blaaaahhhh.
transitions happening all around, within and without. know what? transitions generally often suck.
I know I'm supposed to be all happy winter's ending and spring is around the corner and the river is open for rowing (tho v awfully cold water is flowing w/in it, and I'll be waiting until it's only maybe death rather than surefire death from flipping before I head out) ... but I'm not. somehow, I'm never ready for winter to end. and people ask why a Californian moved to Boston ... weeelllll, it's really kind of a good fit. this year, with barely any snow, it's doubly hard. plus, I think in my head, I felt OK-good about snuggling up at home and slowly working on my next endeavor, while enjoying the coziness in my home, amongst the gatos, through the wilds of winter. and now, now ... it's spring? it's March? forgive me but -- oh, fuck.
just as the weather's starting it's shift, it's time for me to start a shift toward for-real for-serious income finding. doesn't mean job searching, yet, I'm not giving up on freelancing, it's still very much what I want to do, but I gotta find some paying clients (much as I love all the nonpaying ones). it's time to amp it up, step it up ... execute. and it feels kinda like execute. blek. not comfortable, not a happy feeling. but then, it never is when we push ourselves, take risks and step out. which is precisely what it's time to do.
oh, it's gonna be a hard month. not to be all pessimistic, but I have a sense there's some good hard waiting me. or maybe already here. I'm not panicking, it's not time to eat cat food yet, but the next few months are for-real time. and/or Plan B time. and while it's income driven, it's also time, time for me to feel more engaged and productive; I'm ready for some cool projects to be a part of. but, there's still a part of me that thinks -- how the hell do I do this?? I have some ideas and feel like I'm working on the right things and the right fronts -- the answer's probably the same simple one as we'd suspect -- ultimately, through people, through relationships, through finding the folks with the word needs, and helping them find me. y'know, that common-sense hard stuff. oh yeah, and through the wonderful randomness of life. and the dairy dust, don't forget the fairy dust.
am trying out decaf Earl Grey tea with condensed milk as comfort food. interesting. kinda tasty.
sniff. uhhnnnn. ow -- bumped elbow scab. yeah, I'm in good shape.
on that note, I shall work my shambling way toward bed. fear not, more energy's bound to come as the cold dissipates. let's hope.